eyelash growth

Her son faced outward from a stiff-with-newness Baby Bjorn. Huge blue eyes darted in every direction; he was not sure what deserved his focus. His eyelids fluttered so rapidly, I imagined his world appeared to be under a giant strobe light.

“I can hold him if you need a break” I said to his mother, a potential new friend I was trying on over a play date and snacks. She was asking me to recall every ingredient that had gone into the from-a-box banana bread that I had claimed as homemade. I tried to distract her with Max.

“Only if you Purell first,” she said, even though I had just washed my hands.

“but he’s your second,” I smiled, a nod to the running mom joke that by your second kiddo you don’t care if they lick the sidewalk.

Horrified, she tugged the straps on the Bjorn reclaiming the baby to her chest.

Apparently our friend fit was like an alarm tag left on a prom dress: irritating.

Why do we parent like we do? it is pretty much a wing-it situation. you need lessons to drive, ride a horse and put on false eyelashes. but the doctor just hands you a baby, no instruction manual, and assumes some ancient knowledge automatically kicks in. (My HMO didn’t cover maternal instinct, so I was totally stuck at base camp.)

While preggo, you talk about nursery colors, tiny socks and ginormous boobs. The actual act of parenting doesn’t come up. I think that was an analogy on the SAT’s: frosting is to marriage as 36FFF is to parenting.

All you do know, as this itty-bitty person is staring up at you with this “OK, now what?” expression, is that you will never ever parent like your parents did. that promise starts at a very young age

“I swear, when I have kids, I will like totally let them eat cake at every meal if they want.”

“OMG, totally. And they can have a llama and dye their hair green. Wow, we will be like the coolest parents ever.”

We ask our friends that have had kids for about a minute longer than we have for advice. I remember Wayne telling me, “it doesn’t matter how you parent as long as you tell them you love them forty times a day and have a good nickname for them.”

Which feels like telling a dieter they can eat fries all day as long as they take a multivitamin.

Despite the goal to be the opposite of the rents, we end up circling back into our history. it starts out subtly, a familiar eye raise or empty threat. Then, “If I have to pull this car over you are in big trouble, Mister!” to “I brought you into this world and I can take you out!” or the ever popular, “Because I’m the mom, that’s why.”

Then one day you call home and your husband calls you by your mother’s name and you realize the metamorphosis is complete.

Remember how many times your mom would burst into tears, “you won’t understand until you have your own kids!” (I also often got, “I hope you have a daughter exactly like you!” that was not meant as a compliment.)

But how true is that? There is no way to comprehend what parenting means until you are one. being a parent, for all of its wonder, is the hardest thing in the world. And for all of our intentions, mistakes and sacrifice we are doing the best we can. Fast forward to our blessed beings screaming that they hate us and can’t wait to be eighteen so they can move out. Ouch.

There are thousands of parenting books out there, many with conflicting advice. We can look at longitudinal research, listen to psychologists and research science. but perhaps the golden parenting key comes down to C.S Lewis’ simple wisdom, “Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.”

Maybe Wayne wasn’t too far off.

You would never admit this to your parents, but you turned out pretty fabulous. Don’t you owe them a huge apology for your bratty ways and like a hundred grand? or at least a thank you.

(Maggie Knowles is a columnist for The Portland Daily Sun. Her column appears Wednesdays.)

<a href="http://portlanddailysun.me/node/25977/tag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=http://portlanddailysun.me/node/25977/Wed, 15 Jun 2011 04:03:41 GMT 00:00″>Reflections on parenting